Saturday, August 3, 2013

The Big Move

Well, we're currently about 2 weeks out from The Big Move.  Heading back to Missoula so I can finish school.  I alternate between being totally excited to being terrified about the whole thing.

On one hand, living alone with my family will be nice.  I love my parents, and they've been wonderful and so supportive, but I miss having time alone with my husband and it's never been just the three of us.  It's going to be a major adjustment for everyone, but I think that we'll be ok.

On the other hand, it's a big move.  A lot of changes.  Colin will be working and I'll be in school full-time, so we're going to have to juggle day care and only having one car and life in general.  Obviously, it's doable--people do it every day--but that doesn't make it any less intimidating.  Luckily, we've got a great group of friends in Missoula waiting for us, and that really does help a lot.

I love living in the Hi-Line, and the people here are wonderful, but I never really felt like I fit in here.  I have too much social anxiety, and I'm just different.  It's ok, it's just hard for me.

Having classes full time is going to be a big change, but that's one that I'm looking forward to.  I'm taking two intermediate writing classes--Poetry and Fiction--an American Lit class, Anthro 101, and Montana Writer's Live.  I'm only going to have classes on Tuesday and Thursday, which should help with the whole transition.  Roland will only be in daycare or away from me for two days a week to start with.  We can totally manage that.

Packing has been slow moving.  We still have a ton of stuff that is packed from when we moved from Tulsa, and it's kind of like Christmas going through the boxes to see what we have and what we still need.  I don't want to take any boxes without looking at them--you never know what has gotten into them in the garage the past two years.

I think one of the big worries I have regarding the move is that I don't know if I know how to be me anymore.  I'm Roland's Mommy and Colin's Wife, and for so long, that has been my official designation.  It seems like that is all that has defined me as a person, and I am so much more than that.  I mean, rationally I know that I'm more than that.  It's just a matter of re-training my brain to function as my own person, rather than an offshoot of the people around me.

Of course, I plan on continuing to write in Missoula.  I've written every day for the last 142, and I don't plan on breaking my chain any time soon.  There are some days (like today) where all I can write is a blog post.  Other days, I can easily pump out 6,000 words.  With everything going on, I'm feeling mentally and emotionally tapped, so writing the climax to this novel has been hard.  I could start on another project, but I feel like this thing deserves its ending as soon as possible.

Next week, we're heading to Missoula so that my mom and I can check out the apartment and pick up some things for it.  I'm looking forward to seeing what I have to work with and starting the moving process.  Hopefully, my dad will be able to help us move up sometime the week after that, but if not, we'll be renting a truck and making the big move ourselves.

Come hell or high water, we'll be in Missoula in the next few weeks.  I can guarantee that my anxiety levels are going to get higher before they get better.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

New Years Resolutions

I don't make resolutions anymore. I suppose that years of failing to meet my goals left a bad taste in my mouth. There are only so many times that I can swear up and down that I'm going to lose 50 pounds before I get discouraged and throw in the towel. I think I've had that particular goal for the last 10 or 15 years... This year, I didn't make any resolutions. There were just too many different things going on, and we weren't entirely sure where we were going to be or what we were going to be doing.

All in all, this would have been a pretty good year for me to make a few resolutions.

Next month, we'll be moving back to Missoula.  We've spent the last two years living with my parents.  It's been wonderful being here, and I am going to miss them like crazy, but it's definitely time.  The main reason we're moving is so that I can finish school.  After last semester, I decided that UMUC wasn't really going to work out for me.  I don't really care for the way they have their program set up, and I wanted something more than just an English degree.  I did a bit of poking around for a place that had what I wanted, but nothing really jumped out at me.

I think I've finally decided, for absolute sure, that I'm double majoring in English Teaching and Creative Writing.  The English Teaching program would leave me with about 2 years left of school.  The Creative Writing would mean I'd need to tack on an extra year.  At this point, I think I might as well go that extra year and get the extra degree because it's something that I really want to do.  If everything goes the way I want it to go (but let's be honest--my life never does) then I'll graduate from UofM, find a teaching job for a few years, get into an amazing MFA program and eventually teach Creative Writing at the college level.

Now, if we're going off my fairy-tale world, I'll sell a bunch of novels and become filthy rich (hahahahaha!) and never have to work.  And go to a lot of conventions.  And be awesome.

My name isn't Stephen King, so I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen.  But writing is something I love and it's something I'm passionate about.

Back in February, I found a link to the Magic Spreadsheet.  I'm pretty sure I've already talked about that, but it's a simple Google Doc Spreadsheet where people (hundreds, at this point) can keep track of their daily word count.  The idea is that anyone can write at least 250 words a day, and then you can build up from there.  You get points based on writing every day and so on and so forth.  It's been awesome for keeping me accountable for my words, and I love seeing my name on the leader boards.  I have a bit of a competitive streak, so getting big numbers makes me happy.

I started keeping track of words on the Magic Spreadsheet back in the middle of March.  Since then, I've written 161,074 words for an average of 1377 per day.  That's HUGE for me.  I have written every single day for the past 117 days.  I never miss a day.  Some days, all I write is a blog post (I totally count these--they're still words) and other days I can't write more than 400 before I have to go to sleep.  But I still sit down every day and I write something.  Ass in chair and all that.

Since starting the Magic Spreadsheet, I've written a novel.  Oh yeah, that's right, an entire novel.  It's not any good yet, and I'm waiting for a bit before I start to rip it apart and try to make it less crap.  But I still wrote a novel.  I took a random idea that started out as, 'I wanna write about a self-rescuing Princess' and evolved into 50,000 words with real plot and story and characters.  It took me about a month and a half.

It's a little thing.  I know that millions of people have written novels.  But it is such a massive thing for me, because it's the first time that I've done it.  It's the first time that I've taken on a project like this and I've completed it.  I created it and I'm not ashamed to say that I am damn proud of my accomplishment.  Even if the story totally sucks, I did something that most people can't.

We made a trip up to MisCon this year.  I wasn't sure we could make it, but I signed up for the Writer's Workshop anyway.  I did it two years ago with a pretty crappy piece.  It was not a pretty thing, but I learned from the experience.  Since then, I've definitely improved in my writing.  The Workshop this year left me with a very positive feeling.  I got a lot of really good feedback, I got a lot of good advice from panels and such, and I left MisCon feeling pretty excited about my writing.

After I got home, I finished up the story I'd sent to MisCon and I started submitting it to Sci/Fi magazines.  It was a pretty huge step for me, and I was a nervous wreck about the whole thing.  The first two magazines were rejections, and I'm waiting now to hear back from the latest one.  Being rejected actually wasn't that upsetting.  I know that it's a good story, and I know someone will buy it...it's just a matter of finding the right place for it right now.

I don't make resolutions, but I am setting some goals for myself  I just turned 30, so now is a good time to do that.

*By the end of this year, I'll finish writing the novel I'm currently working on.  I will edit and rewrite both novels that I wrote this year.

*By the end of this year, I'll have published a short story, preferably for money.  I won't get discouraged by the rejections, and I'll continue sending the stories out.

*By the time I'm 35, I'll have published a novel.  It's ok if it isn't a Major Publishing House.

*Some day, I want to be a guest pro at MisCon.

I think they're definitely achievable goals.  I don't really care if I never make a lot of money writing--that's not why I do it.  I just love to create and share with the world.

So there we go.  I'm making my Birthday Resolutions, instead of New Year's ones!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Kaitlyn Hunt

I read this article this morning.  It's about the teenager in Florida who, after a lesbian relationship with a younger girl, has been kicked out of school.  Kaitlyn Hunt is 18, her girlfriend is 15.  The relationship started when the older girl was 17.

Ok, I have seen a lot of people calling attention to this about how unfair it is that this girl is being targeted for her gay relationship.  How the younger girl's parents are bigots and horrible people, etc etc etc.

It's true that perhaps the younger girl's parents did this out of spite, but you know that they aren't the first parents to do this. How many young adults every year are hit with charges of the same kind?  Come on, this isn't happening because Kaitlyn is gay...it's happening because Kaitlyn broke the law.  Yeah, I know that might an unpopular opinion.  The fact of the matter is, if you are 18, having a relationship with a younger person--same sex or not--is dangerous and could result in something like this happening.

I'm glad that there is a lot of support for this young woman.  Honestly, I don't feel that she did anything wrong, because I think the statutory rape laws are sometimes a little ridiculous.  And yes, the relationship started when she was 17...but that doesn't matter.  It's still against the law.

I'm sure that the parents are real assholes and they did this on purpose.  I'm not doubting that at all.  But it bothers me a little that so many people are making this about sexual orientation.  The headlines shouldn't read, '18-year-old charged for same-sex relationship.'  If she is being mistreated by the school (which it sounds like she has been) or by the media, that's a different story.  Honestly, I think making it out to be about sexual orientation is doing this girl and this entire situation a disservice.

I feel very frustrated by this whole thing.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Love

I am a good mother.

I have my flaws.  We all have our flaws.  Sometimes I'm impatient, sometimes I get frustrated.  I don't do as many craft things.  I don't read as much as I should.  I don't teach enough, although I try.  I yell, sometimes.  And there are times when I just want to be alone.

I love my child.  He is the most important thing in my life, hands down.  I would sacrifice anything and everything for him.  I would lay down my life for him.

The past few weeks, I have felt like a pretty terrible mother.  I get frustrated when Roland bites or pinches me, especially when he does it for no reason.  I feel stuck, because we're in a house that isn't really ours, and I just feel limited on what I can do with him.  The past few days with the nice weather has helped, but today was an especially rough day.

I am a good mother, despite my flaws, or maybe because of them.  I am raising my son the best way that I know how, and I am raising him surrounded with love (there are more cuddles and kisses than frustrated squawks, I promise.)

I'm going to stumble along the way and I'm going to fail.  I'm learning, too.  As I struggle to teach my son how to be a good person, I'm also struggling to teach myself how to be a better mother.

But I love my child more than anything.  I never doubt that.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Save the TaTas!

This morning, I woke up and read through my facebook, like ya do.  I saw the article about Angelina Jolie coming forward to discuss her double mastectomy.  All I could think was, 'That sucks, but I'm glad that she had it done and that she is healing and that she's coming forward to try to raise awareness.'  It was on the morning news shows, cause, well, tits are a big deal, you know.

And then I didn't think anything else of it.  Apparently, there are corners of the internet that did.

Take a look at this.  You may want to throw things and punch people in the face.  I know I did.

Yeah.  That's right.  There are people out there in Internet Land that are shaming Angelina Jolie for making this massively painful health decision.  Do you really think it's easy to decide to lop off your boobs?  I mean, do you think that people WANT to go out and have double mastectomies?  I mean, except for the people who are crying that she did it for attention.

Jolie tested positive for the breast cancer gene.  Her mother died of ovarian cancer when she was in her 50's.  This mother did what was best for her family and was tested, and it came back positive.  Only one in 500 women carry the gene, but she does.  She was also told that she had a terrifying 87% chance of developing breast cancer.  87%.  87%!  Those are not good odds.

So she had the radical double mastectomy.  She's already had her reconstructive surgery.  She is healing, physically and emotionally.  And best of all, she now only has a 5% chance of developing breast cancer.

I am amazed--as I usually am when it comes to this woman--at her strength through this.  She made a heartbreaking decision after terrifying news.  She had this major surgery, and she was able to complete it without anyone knowing about it.  Not a single damn tabloid.  Good for her.

In this article, she talks about her medical choice.  It's beautifully written, and I have to be honest, it made me cry a little.  

The people who are talking shit about Jolie need to be slapped.  That makes me furious.  Instead of being joyful that she caught it before it was too late and that she is using her celebrity status to raise awareness for this horrible disease.  1 in 8 women will have invasive breast cancer at some point in her life, and 1 in 36 will die of it.  Jolie is calling more attention to it, particularly to the importance of early screening if you are at high risk.

Good for her.  I wish her a speedy recovery.  I am so happy she caught this early, and that she will be around for her children.

And to leave you all with a more amusing take on this...thanks, Wil Wheaton.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Obama is a Muslim?!? NO WAY!

Obama is not a Muslim.  Let's say that again, shall we...

Obama. Is. Not. A. Muslim.

Ok, now that we got that out in the open.

IF Obama WERE a Muslim (which he isn't) why would it matter?  I know that I didn't vote on him based on his religious views!  And frankly, if you are voting for someone based solely on their religious views, then you're doing it wrong.  It doesn't matter if he's a Muslim or a Christian or a damn Pastafarian.  We voted for him based on the politics, right?  We voted for him based on what we thought he could do for the country.  I voted for him because out of the options presented, he was the lesser of two evils.

I don't like everything Obama has done.  There have been moments where I've been intensely frustrated and upset with the current political climate, from the President down.  But when I talk about being unhappy with the President, I talk about being unhappy because of his Politics.  Not because he's black or because he has gray hair or because his kids have a dog instead of a cat.  It's because of the Politics.

I'm getting pretty tired of all this.  I don't care if people don't like the guy, really I don't.  And I don't mind debating that.  But man...the personal attacks have got to stop!

I know there are a lot of people who go on about, 'If we don't like Obama, we're called racists!!!!'  No.  If you don't like Obama for bullshit reasons, or if you come straight out and say that you don't like him because he's black...THEN you are a racist.  If you don't like Obama because you think he's a Muslim or because you don't think he was really born in the US or any of the other shit reasons...what would you call yourself?

I had an argument on facebook tonight (yeah, I know, I need to not waste my time with that) that made me see red.  The person was going on about how Obama was a Muslim, and how he was bringing Islam to the US and outlawing all other religions.  All I could do was gape at my screen and try not to scream.

If you are going to make accusations like that, you'd best be prepared to back them up.  If you are going to claim that Christians in the Military are being kicked out because they pray in public, then I want to see some evidence of that.  And something from a hardcore conservative website isn't going to cut it.  Sorry.  You'd feel the same if I did it with a hardcore liberal website.

Yeah.  That's just really frustrating for me.  Like I said--don't like the guy, that's fine.  But this crap is not ok.

Abercrombie & Fitch

I'm a little pissed off about this.  Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has made some incredibly shitty comments.  Basically, he only wants skinny and pretty people wearing his clothes.  The rest of the world isn't worthy.

A&F clothes don't go any higher than a women's size 10.  The average woman in America today wears a 12-14.  Personally, I will never wear a size 10, no matter how much weight I lose.  That's ok though, because I wouldn't shop there even if I could.

Abercrombie & Fitch has the right to create whatever clothes they want.  Lane Bryant caters to women who are a size 14 and up.  I don't really care about all that (although I think it's stupid for companies to cut out huge chunks of the population.)  They could create clothes in just a size 2 or in just a size 32.  That doesn't matter.  What matters here are the comments that Jeffries made and the attitude that he has copped.  When asked, 'Why don't you carry anything larger than a 10' the correct response would probably have been, 'We create clothes for our target audience' not 'Fat and Ugly people don't deserve my clothes.'

Of course, it's not the first time their CEO has made shitty comments.  How about the time he said A&F won't donate clothes to the poor because only people of a certain stature should be able to wear their clothes.  Yeah.  Seriously.  This guy is a complete douche.

You know what, you can look at someone who is overweight and you can think to yourself, 'That person is disgusting.'  Hey, I look at some people and I think that too.  Personally, I don't care what people think of me.  But you have no right to mock them or to try to pretend that you are making shitty comments out of some sense of concern for that person.  If you aren't my doctor, then you frankly have no business talking to me about my weight or my health.

So yeah.  I'll never shop at Abercrombie & Fitch.  I'll likely never buy my children clothes there either.  I don't appreciate the cruel comments and the fat shaming.  These people should know better.