When you are a child, you are often very selfish. You think about yourself and you are concerned about yourself. If you are a rare kid, you wonder about the health of your parents and your family and your friends. But most kids are concerned with themselves. They don't worry about money, they don't worry about how food appears in the fridge.
As you grow older, you start to worry about more of the people in your life. You might find yourself fretting over the health of your parents or how they are going to afford to send you to that summer camp that you want. You're still pretty selfish, and your view of the world is fairly narrow.
As a young adult, most people begin to worry about the greater world around them. They might weep over starving children in Africa. Or worse, starving children in the United States. They might worry about the health of their family and friends. They worry about money, now that they have to earn their own. Once you get married, you add another person to worry about. You wonder if they'll get sick or get injured or die and leave you alone.
And then, you have kids. And your world goes all topsy-turvey, upside down. I worry about my extended family, but it's kind of a peripheral concern. I worry about my husband leaving me and my son, because we love him, and we'd be lost without him. I worry about dying and leaving my child and my husband all alone. But more than anything, the idea of my child getting sick or hurt or, god forbid, dying sends me into a full-blown panic moment. In just over a year, he has become the center of my universe.
Everything else, all of the social issues that I used to rant about, all the things that used to be so important to me...just...aren't. I know that 'they' say that parents should keep their hobbies, and I do still have them, but Roland is always going to come first. I'm not going to hare off to a convention on a whim and $50 in my pocket, with a prayer that I can figure out how to pay rent when I get home. I'm not going to up and quit a job just 'cause I don't like it anymore and I want something different. My priorities have all changed and my prescriptive on life has all changed.
But I think that it's a good change, and I welcome it with open arms. Parenthood isn't for everyone, and I respect that choice. But it has made me a better person and it has made me feel like a more complete person. For all the stress and the tears and the anxiety, this journey has been absolutely worth it.
Showing posts with label mental state. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental state. Show all posts
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Crippled
Here's the thing about depression, or at least my particular brand of it. It comes and it goes without any real warning. There are days where I will be just fine and then it will just hit me. The painful, crippling apathy. The heavy heart. The frustration with my life and everyone around me. The overwhelming anxiety and fear of the future. The anxiety almost always revolves around money.
When it hits, it hits hard. Sometimes I can rock the St. John's Wort and that takes the edge off the anxiety. Other times, it doesn't do anything for me.
Sometimes, it is so hard for me to function. I want to curl up in a ball in bed and read or watch tv and just escape the world.
And then a little boy starts poking at me, and I remember that I have responsibilities and duties. I drag my ass out of bed and I force myself to move. For him. Because I have to take care of him and love him and give him the best life that I can.
It is so hard some days. So very hard.
It's even worse when I walk around the house and see dirty dishes that need to be washed and laundry that needs to be folded and cleaning to be done and sewing to be done. Because then not only do I feel depressed, but I feel guilty. I let myself feel guilty for not doing more, when some days, getting out of bed and feeding the child and changing him is about the best that I can do.
The internet is easy. It doesn't take too many spoons for me to sit here and read facebook and G+ and wander around. It's easy to slip away into another world when I'm like this.
Depression is a bitch. It's crippling and it's horrible.
I do the best I can, although it's never enough. I am never going to have an immaculate home, even when it's just me and Colin and Roland, our house is not going to be spotless. There will be messes. There will be clutter. Because when I only have so many spoons in the day, my focus is on my son and my schoolwork and my husband and my writing. Everything else just has to wait.
It is incredibly hard to remember that I have limitations. My depression isn't as bad as it could be, and I am grateful for that. I am mostly able to function on a day to day basis without medication. But it's bad enough.
On days like this, all I can do is keep pushing through. Find the little joys in my family and the things that I love and hope that will be enough.
When it hits, it hits hard. Sometimes I can rock the St. John's Wort and that takes the edge off the anxiety. Other times, it doesn't do anything for me.
Sometimes, it is so hard for me to function. I want to curl up in a ball in bed and read or watch tv and just escape the world.
And then a little boy starts poking at me, and I remember that I have responsibilities and duties. I drag my ass out of bed and I force myself to move. For him. Because I have to take care of him and love him and give him the best life that I can.
It is so hard some days. So very hard.
It's even worse when I walk around the house and see dirty dishes that need to be washed and laundry that needs to be folded and cleaning to be done and sewing to be done. Because then not only do I feel depressed, but I feel guilty. I let myself feel guilty for not doing more, when some days, getting out of bed and feeding the child and changing him is about the best that I can do.
The internet is easy. It doesn't take too many spoons for me to sit here and read facebook and G+ and wander around. It's easy to slip away into another world when I'm like this.
Depression is a bitch. It's crippling and it's horrible.
I do the best I can, although it's never enough. I am never going to have an immaculate home, even when it's just me and Colin and Roland, our house is not going to be spotless. There will be messes. There will be clutter. Because when I only have so many spoons in the day, my focus is on my son and my schoolwork and my husband and my writing. Everything else just has to wait.
It is incredibly hard to remember that I have limitations. My depression isn't as bad as it could be, and I am grateful for that. I am mostly able to function on a day to day basis without medication. But it's bad enough.
On days like this, all I can do is keep pushing through. Find the little joys in my family and the things that I love and hope that will be enough.
Be Amazing
The fact that my husband and I are planning on moving back to Missoula sometimes brings up mixed feelings for me. On one hand, it's an amazing place to live. It's absolutely beautiful. There is just something about living in the mountains that brings me a sense of peace...although, I'll never live UP a goddamn mountain again. I have some amazing friends there. It's a good city and I love it.
On the other hand, there are times where I have difficulties divorcing the person I am today from the person I was 12 years ago.
Of course a person is going to change in a decade, but it's hard for me to remember that other people have changed just as much as I have. And the person I am today is completely different from the girl I was when I first went to college.
Have you seen those Weight Watcher commercials? The one where there are two people, both crying, one fat and one thin(ner)? They're the same people, basically talking about how amazing their life is after Weight Watchers. Ok, well, I hate those commercials, but that is kind of how I feel some days. If I could talk to myself 10 or 15 or 20 years ago, I would give myself some advice.
First-People are cruel. They'll make fun of you, they'll tease you, they'll treat you like shit. Their cruelty is not your fault. And the things they say are not necessarily true. Don't let the cruelty get to you, which I know is easier said than done. Just remember that you are beautiful and you are amazing and you are perfect just the way you are.
Don't give up your dreams. No matter how silly they might be, don't give up. Keep working for the things that you love, the things that make you happy. Don't let snide comments deter you, even when those comments come from the people that you love. Yes, they should support you in what you do, but sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes you just have to support yourself.
You are worthwhile. Your stories and your life is just as important as everyone else's. Don't let anyone tell you that your problems and dreams and concerns aren't as important as theirs. You deserve to have friends that will treat you well. You deserve to have friends that let you share the spotlight, even if it's just letting you have an open ear every down and then so that you can vent your frustrations.
You are beautiful. You are amazing.
Live life to the fullest. Live each day like it might be your last. Tell your friends that you love them often. Hold on to the good ones, because they are so hard to find.
Be amazing.
I'm excited to go back to Missoula, again. It really is a city that draws you in. No matter how far away I've been, my heart has always been there. My priorities are a little different this time around--school and family are going to take top billing. There are people that I can't wait to see and spend time with, though.
It's going to be a good move for us.
On the other hand, there are times where I have difficulties divorcing the person I am today from the person I was 12 years ago.
Of course a person is going to change in a decade, but it's hard for me to remember that other people have changed just as much as I have. And the person I am today is completely different from the girl I was when I first went to college.
Have you seen those Weight Watcher commercials? The one where there are two people, both crying, one fat and one thin(ner)? They're the same people, basically talking about how amazing their life is after Weight Watchers. Ok, well, I hate those commercials, but that is kind of how I feel some days. If I could talk to myself 10 or 15 or 20 years ago, I would give myself some advice.
First-People are cruel. They'll make fun of you, they'll tease you, they'll treat you like shit. Their cruelty is not your fault. And the things they say are not necessarily true. Don't let the cruelty get to you, which I know is easier said than done. Just remember that you are beautiful and you are amazing and you are perfect just the way you are.
Don't give up your dreams. No matter how silly they might be, don't give up. Keep working for the things that you love, the things that make you happy. Don't let snide comments deter you, even when those comments come from the people that you love. Yes, they should support you in what you do, but sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes you just have to support yourself.
You are worthwhile. Your stories and your life is just as important as everyone else's. Don't let anyone tell you that your problems and dreams and concerns aren't as important as theirs. You deserve to have friends that will treat you well. You deserve to have friends that let you share the spotlight, even if it's just letting you have an open ear every down and then so that you can vent your frustrations.
You are beautiful. You are amazing.
Live life to the fullest. Live each day like it might be your last. Tell your friends that you love them often. Hold on to the good ones, because they are so hard to find.
Be amazing.
I'm excited to go back to Missoula, again. It really is a city that draws you in. No matter how far away I've been, my heart has always been there. My priorities are a little different this time around--school and family are going to take top billing. There are people that I can't wait to see and spend time with, though.
It's going to be a good move for us.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Pretty Baby!
It might be terrible...but I keep thinking about how I hope SprogFace is cute. You know, so I can enter him/her in beautiful baby contests. :)
Yes, I'm silly. And my head is currently full of chubby cheeks, giggles, and clean baby smell. Hah! And we thought the baby rabies was bad before.
Is it December yet???
Yes, I'm silly. And my head is currently full of chubby cheeks, giggles, and clean baby smell. Hah! And we thought the baby rabies was bad before.
Is it December yet???
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Monday, May 2, 2011
Productive day! Well, mostly!
So, today was my first day back at work after this all went down (and we decided we're keeping SprogFace and such) and it actually went really, really well.
I got an appointment baby with my Baby Doctor. I've had a lot of suggestions, but I think I'm going to go see Dr. Burke. My appointment is on the 18th at 2:30...it should put me right around 8 weeks. I really wish I could have the appointment sooner then that. I'm really anxious to ask him some questions...like if it's ok for me to start excercising and dieting (which I'd planned on doing ANYWAY) and what kind of medication I can take for my back pain and if there are any anti-depressants that I can safely take while pregnant. So many questions, and I'm really just wanting to know that SprogFace is safe and healthy and happy...
One of my closest friends decided today that the baby would be named SprogFace. I approve of such!
I realized that I'm becoming one of those women. I keep goobing about baby and stuff...I'm sorry, I can't help it! I'm excited! But, I'm going to try to keep it all on my blog (try being the operative word here, guys) just so that you don't get really irritated with me.
I figure I'll try to blog here every day. For me and for SprogFace. It's a good way to keep track of what we're going through...
In other news, the husband is getting about as excited as I am. :) It's REALLY adorable!
I leave you with stuff I want to buy...
I wonder if Think Geek has a registry... ;)
Oh, and I had an AWESOME dinner tonight...Mac N Cheese...the best Orange IN THE WORLD...a Caramello...and pretzels. Mmmmm.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Woooo!
So, after a long day of discussing and really considering it, we've decided we're going to keep the kiddo. I think with some creative space management, we can can fit a baby and its stuff into our current place...and if we don't end up staying here for whatever reason, then we will make that work too.
We're still kind of in shock over it, things are still sinking in. But, at the same time, we're both really excited.
I think we might be getting ahead of ourselves already...we're already discussing baby names and what toys we want to get it and what extra curricular activities we want to enroll it in.
Poor kiddo. I think the husband is going to be calling it Roo (Oh, by the way, we HAVE decided that we're going to decorate in classic Pooh...keep your eyes out for awesome stuff for me!) and I'll keep calling it sprog or demon child or ya know, whatever pops into my mind.
Eek! I've still got like...34 weeks left...and I'm already starting to freak out about the actual having of it.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
To start...
My husband and I were married May 29th, 2009. From the get-go, we decided we wanted to wait a while to have kids. Between my husband being in school full-time and us living in Oklahoma of all places, we wanted to give it time. I was on birth control, but it was always kind of sporadic. We always said, 'If it happens, it happens, and we'll deal with it then.'
Well. Then it happened.
I was 2 weeks late, and I knew. I just knew, without even needing to take the test. Finally, my husband made a midnight run into town to buy me some tests. And I took one. And it was positive. The line was faint, but it was still there.
And then the freaking out started.
Lots of yelling, tears, arguing, and calm discussion later...and we're going to keep it. Well, at the very least, we aren't going to end the pregnancy. Unless my doctor tells me that it would be a serious detriment to my health to do so, we're going to go ahead with it. We still haven't come to a decision on if we will keep the sprog or adopt it...but we're going to wait a few weeks before we really start talking about that.
So that's that. I am absolutely terrified. Sure, I love kids, but I've got NO idea what to do. This whole pregnancy thing is utterly foreign to me. With the fact that I have no gallbladder, and I'm morbidly obese, and I'm having serious issues with my back and hips...yeah, I'm scared. But at the same time, I'm starting to get a little excited about it. I don't know yet what is going to happen...but I want to blog about it. It's one of the biggest things in my life...it would be good to keep track of what happens.
Next week, hopefully, I'll have a doctors appointment and we can really get the party started. For now, though...demon sprog doesn't much care for Chocolate...and I don't get morning sickness so much as later afternoon/evening sickness.
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