2012 in Retrospect

2012 is quickly drawing to a close.  There are things in my life that I'd change if I could of course--I'd love to be 20 pounds slimmer, or have bigger boobs or have a lot more money.  I'd love to be a little more sure of where our lives would take us in the next year and where we would be ending up.  But really, all things considered, I couldn't be happier.

2012 was a crazy year.  It was full of insane highs and lows...but for the most part, the year was amazing.  There were bad parts.  There were some massive fights between my husband and I.  Our lives were oftentimes frustrating and difficult.  But despite that, it was an amazing year.

I'm sitting here watching my son rip apart tissue paper and try to eat it.  He is happy and healthy and absolutely amazing.  He surprises me every day with the things he does and the way he changes.  Sometimes the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is knowing that I have his happy little face to wake up to.

He'll be a year old in just a few days.  It's amazing how much changes in a year.  He is such a little man...he's not a baby anymore, he's a toddler.  He is busy and crazy smart and so full of joy and love and life!

In 2012, I started working at the Post Office, which is a job that I really very much enjoy.

I transferred to a new school.  I'm not sure yet how much I like it, but I'm sticking with it for now at least.

I've learned so much about myself.  I am a good mother...I am an amazing mother.  I have an amazing family.

Of course, as I type this, he is busy getting into everything in Oma and Opa's living room.  Hell, I wouldn't change that either.  The busy inquisitiveness is a wonderful sign.  He's going to be a bright kid.

I admit I'm biased.

I could be spending my New Years Eve out and about, drinking and partying and enjoying myself.  And it would be fun, this is true.  But I am perfectly content where I am, ringing in the new year with my Prince Charming.

If you had the choice, wouldn't you want to spend your day with this child too?

To my husband

I spent most of the day driving.  I had to head to Bozeman to pick my baby brother up from school.  Originally, my dad was going to come with me, but an unfortunate bout with the flu means that I did the trip alone.

I had six hours all to myself.  It was wonderful...it's rare that I get 20 minutes alone, let alone hours in one stretch.  I listened to loud music and talked to myself and completely enjoyed driving through the snowy mountains.  Even cruddy roads didn't bum me out.

I spent a lot of time thinking.  There was a song that came on that really kind of got to me.  Ok, I lied...nearly all of the songs got to me.  But one really bothered me.

I haven't been very fair to my husband.  And that really bothers me.

Let me explain.  I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 18.  I was young and I was stupid and I was totally naive.  He was 10 years older than me and well...we just weren't good for one another, in a relationship.  But I worked my ass off.  Even though the relationship eventually failed, I did everything that I knew how to do to try to make it work and try to make him happy.  The first time he cheated on me, I blamed myself, and tried to work harder to be better for him...I would have done anything to make it work, because for some reason, I had it in my mind that he was the only man that would ever love me.

I broke up with him because there was someone else who loved me.  And I wouldn't have to be alone.  I could still be loved and have someone care for me, so it was finally ok for me to break up with him.  That relationship failed too, but it was as much from distance as anything else.  But I would have done anything for him too.

There was the Army guy.  I sent him as many packages as I could afford.  I was going to completely uproot myself and everything for him.  Again, I would have done anything for him.  Things broke apart shortly before he got back to the states.  He just stopped talking to me...and I was just broken over it.

And then I met my husband.  And at first, it was just going to be a fling.  We were just going to have fun.  And then we met each other and things got very serious, very fast.

But I think that maybe part of me has never given him as much as I should.  And that makes me feel like shit.

I love my husband.  I love him very much.  He keeps me grounded and he adores me.  He's the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  He's the father of my child (and future children) and I love him completely.  He is intelligent and sweet and funny...sometimes he's a bit dense, but he means well.  He is a wonderful father, and he loves me.

So here's the thing.  I need to be a better wife.  I love him as much as he loves me...but I need to be better at showing it.  He's not going to hurt me, he's not going to leave me, he's not going to cheat on me or disappear.  He's here to stay, and I need to be too.

It's something I need to work on.  I think maybe I just got so used to being IN CHARGE and doing it all myself that I forgot how to share.  Because I know I haven't been very good at sharing my life.

Colin--I love you.  I'm sorry I've been a terrible wife, and I will try to be better.

11 months strong

It's hard to believe that my sweet little boy is already 11 months old.  This time last year, I was uncomfortable and crabby and just waiting for him to show up any old day.  I just wanted to hold him and be done with pregnancy!  Of course, he ended up proving he was more stubborn than I am by coming two weeks past his due date.

Now, I'm sitting here watching him play quietly with his books, and just marveling at how amazing he is.  He surprises me daily with his personality quirks, his smile and his pure charm.  Sometimes we look at him and just say, 'Yeah.  He is ALL BOY.'

He has no fear of anything.  He has started climbing on things to reach something that was moved out of his reach.  If he's sitting on your lap, he will gleefully dive towards the floor.  Sometimes we don't catch him in time, but he just tumbles down and keeps on going.  There are moments where I look at him and think, 'How in the hell did you get so dirty?'  I'm pretty sure that any dirt and grime in the house is magnetically drawn to him.

He has the best smile in the world.  A little impish grin with one tiny dimple.  Oh, and heaven forbid you don't pay enough attention to him!  He'll get up in your face and tilt your head with that, 'I'm so damn cute' look.

I saw a picture on facebook the other day that said, 'I didn't believe until true love until I had a child.'  Or something along those lines.  And it is so true...I never realized just how much I could love another human being.  I mean, I love my husband, and he is very important to me...but the love for my son completely eclipses that.

The past 11 months have not been easy.  Motherhood is filled with frustration and anxiety and fear.  You always wonder if you are doing things right and if you are strong enough to make it through.  You stay up late into the night worrying about if your child is happy, if they will grow up happy, if unimaginable tragedy will strike your family and you won't be able to watch him grow up.  Every day there is a new worry that crops up in your mind.

You know what, though?  It's normal.  It's normal to worry and stress about those little fears.  That's just part of what makes us all human.  I know I've worried a ton about being a bad mom.  But as I sit here and look at my happy, healthy, intelligent, amazing son...I know that I'm not doing too terrible.

This past year has been one of the most difficult.  But there is no doubt in my mind that it has been the most rewarding.  The things I've gone through and the things I've sacrificed are nothing compared to the amazing little man that is in my life.

Of course, once he starts walking, I might want to trade him in for a newer model... ;)

Happy Birthday, Rollo!  I love you so very much.