Thoughts

Yeah, I know...it's been a LONG time since I've posted.  Sorry about that, all.  Life got kinda crazy...

I'm 21 weeks now, and the 2nd trimester really has been a breeze.  I felt the sprog move for the first time over the 4th of July weekend, when we were sitting up at the house and watching fireworks.  In fact, the kiddo is kicking and squirming as I type. 

Man...I love that feeling...baby has been awfully active today, which makes me happy.  I think part of it is my brain finally realizing, 'Oh, the baby is moving' rather than chalking it up to tummy rumblings.  It's really a neat feeling to know that the baby is in there.  I'm weird...every time we go to the Doctor, I have a moment of worry, 'Oh...the pregnancy isn't real.  I'm just crazy.' and then what do ya know, there is a heart beat.

Our child is definitely a brat.  Funny, I think it already has personality.  When we went in for my 20 week check up, we tried to get a look to see what we were having.  Baby had it's face buried in my back so we couldn't get a good face shot (though the doctor was able to ascertain that there is no cleft palate) and on top of that, legs were firmly clamped shut.  Knees crossed and the whole 9 yards.  The Doctor poked and prodded a bit, but the Sprog was not uncrossing for anyone.

You might be asking yourself, 'Is that REALLY April's kid?  She's not shy or demure!'  Well, yes.  And you know why?  Because it's being a brat!  Because we were both REALLY, REALLY, REALLY anxious to know...so baby had to be difficult.  Hopefully at my next appointment we can try again...and if not...well, I guess we'll just be surprised!

My morning sickness has all but disappeared.  At this point, the only time I puke is if the house smells.  My nose is still REALLY sensitive, escpecially first thing in the morning.  If the trash or the dishes need to be dealt with, I know it.  Weirdly, I also seem to get sick more often if I shower in the morning as opposed to at night before bed.  Not...really sure why, but I'm sure there is a reason!

I've been having back pain, but really, it hasn't been nothing I can't manage.  And it hasn't been anything worse than what I've experienced when not pregnant.  I've been getting massages every other week, and I think that has helped a lot.  She helps keep my hips and my lower back relaxed, and those are my worst problem places.

Colin and I are going to be moving.  Next week, actually.  We're packing up and heading off to live on the Hi-Line.  It's...a big change, but we're both excited.  I'm going to be doing school full-time this semester, and I'm going to be working part-time at the daycare.  I'll get some good experience with some kiddos.  Not sure where he'll be working yet, but it will probably be Wal-Mart.  Better than Directv?  Nope.  But being closer to my parents is going to be a huge weight off our shoulders.

We both love Missoula and we both love our friends here.  But the more pregnant I get, the more I start to freak out about living up the mountain.  And the more pregnant I get, the more I want to know that my parents will be there if something happens.  That and my little brothers are stupidly excited about the Sprog...

I feel like everything is just going so well **knock on wood.**  I haven't gained a ton of weight, my blood pressure is awesome, I feel good, baby is growing well.  I'm getting to the point of the pregnancy where I feel a lot less stress...in a few more weeks, if something DID happen and the baby came early, there is a chance it would survive.  Oddly, that makes me feel much better about everything.

I'm still scared out of my mind.  Funnily enough, it isn't really the labor and delivery that scares me.  It's what comes after.  The...having a human life that we shape and mold into a real person.  It is this huge terrifying responsibility.  At the same time - holy crap it's COOL.  We can dress out baby up in funny outfits, show them Dr. Who from a young age, listen to filk music with them, take them to conventions, teach them the morals and the manners that so many children fail to recieve any more.  We have the opportunity to improve the world around us just a little bit, by giving our child the best life we can...by raising our child to be GOOD.  To respect his/her elders and offer to do dishes if she visits a friends house, to be kind and generous, to be responsible, and to have faith.

It's a huge responsibility.  But it isn't a bad one, and it's one that we're both excited for.  It's this huge new adventure that I've always waited for, and now it's right on my door step.

Last night, we laid in bed, and Colin put his head on my stomach and talked to the baby.  It was a really amazing moment for me to be there with my family...this little tiny family that we built together.

Four months ago, we were both utterly terrified to see that little pink line appear on the pregnancy test.  There were tears and yelling and anxiety as we worried over what we were going to do, and how we were going to make this work.  There were points when I thought one or both of us was going to break under the stress of it as we struggled to come to terms with this huge news that truly put an end to our childhoods.  I've always joked about how much I hated playing "The Adult Game" but that test really drove it home for us both.  Things that we enjoyed in life - stupid, childish, meaningless things - were going to take a back seat to the little parasite I was growing.

But ya know what?  All of that - the stress, and the tears (Oh god - the tears...I should never watch TV or read or a book or be let out of my room when pregnant, since I cry ALL THE TIME), and the frustration and the uncertainty...it's all worth it.  Seeing our baby on the monitor when we go into doctors appointments, getting pictures of Sprog flashing us a thumbs up, feeling the baby kick as I'm sitting here typing...it makes it all worth it.  For me, at least...it's not for everyone, and I totally get that.  Hell, I wasn't so sure it was for us either.  But I think I was wrong.

A few weeks ago, I was bemoaning the fact that I'm not GREAT at anything.  There are a lot of things I'm very GOOD at.  Hell, just about anything I do I can get very good at...but nothing that I really excel at.  There is always someone, usually a close friend, who just does it better than me.  I kinda think that maybe mommy-hood will be my THING.  That isn't to say my friends are AWESOME parents, because they are.  I just think this is something...I'm really going to be GREAT at.  Right now, I can't wait for December to get here so we can be properly introduced, and I can start showing our baby what an amazing world it is.