Recently, I started mulling over the idea of going back to work full-time. You see...we're going to be moving to Missoula in the near future. In order to make the move (the way I want to make it, that is) we need to have a good chunk of money saved up. We need to buy furniture and stuff and actually build a household. We haven't really had much of our own stuff in 2 1/2 years. We were living with roommates in Missoula, and then with my parents. So...we have a lot of stuff to buy. And, you know, things to decorate.
Oh god...I can decorate...the way I WANT to decorate!
I may just pass out from the excitement here.
Anyway. The decision to go back to work full time is really a painful one. Yes, I know many mothers do it. I know MANY of my friends do it. I respect you all like crazy. And while I really do miss working full time (and leaving the house every day...and having adult conversations...and clothes that aren't just yoga pants and tank tops) it still makes my stomach hurt to think about leaving Roland. For one, he hasn't spent much time around other littles, and he doesn't play very well. For another, he's terrible about napping, and I know that whoever takes him is going to hate me just a little. And...well...I'll miss him. I'll miss his antics and his sweet little kisses and cuddles.
I won't miss the temper tantrums, though. Or the pinching. Or the little nibbles. Or the constant need to climb on everything and get into ALL the things.
But dammit if I won't miss him.
I'm worried about missing out on things. Even the little, insignificant things like hugs and kisses and the happy grins when I chase him around the room, and the way he loves on the dog.
On the other hand, he needs the socialization. And sometimes I think I need the break. And despite the fact that we'll have to pay for daycare, the extra money from me working (I'm only taking a job that pays fairly well) will still be a huge benefit when it comes time to move. Colin is picking up a second job until the end of the school year, and then will be working there this summer. But the extra money will give us some padding, while still letting us do fun stuff this summer.
Rationally, all the signs point to me working full-time being the right choice in this situation. Not just for the money, but because he has to get some time in with other kiddos, and we have to work through separation anxiety at some point.
I'm still going to miss my baby. And I'm dreading the first full day that I have to leave him.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Not ok...
I want you to watch a video. And if you are anything like me, it's going to be hard for you to stomach. You might want to throw things or hit a pillow or cry. But it's important to watch it anyway.
http://www.upworthy.com/cnn-pays-touching-tribute-to-the-rapists-who-attacked-a-16-year-old-girl
Where are the videos about the girl? Where is the CNN tribute about how her life has been irrevocably changed due to the drunken stupidity of her classmates? Where is her story, and where are the people who support her and love her and tell her that it's never going to be ok...but that life will eventually go on.
I'm furious about this. I have righteous mommy rage over this.
Watching this video...well, the first boy didn't really seem terribly apologetic. He apologized for taking the pictures and for them sitting around...he didn't really apologize for RAPING THE GIRL. The second boy, yeah, his apology seemed a lot more heartfelt. And I'm going to believe that, rather than assuming that he's just a good actor. Yes, these boys are young, and their lives are going to be changed forever. They are always going to carry this stigma with them. Will it ruin their lives? Perhaps. If they let it.
Do they deserve it? All of this and more?
You bet your fucking ass they do.
Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter that they were all drunk and stupid...they should have stopped. Someone should have stopped them. I read through many of the text messages and twitter posts that were sent the night of the rape and they're just...horrible. There were some half-hearted attempts to stop this poor girls rape...but why didn't anyone call the cops? Why didn't anyone go find their friends and force them to stop this? Why did they let it go on?
Why didn't their parents teach them better than that?
I can't even imagine the heartache that the parents are feeling. The parents of the victim as they watch their daughter go through something no one should have to endure, and the parents of the assailants, as they watch their children's lives fall apart, and wonder where they went wrong. As a mother, my heart breaks for all of the people involved. Yes, even the assailants.
Why don't more parents teach their sons that this is NOT OK. Touching a girl, touching anyone, without their permission is NOT OK. I'll never preach 'no sex before marriage' to my kids. But I will absolutely make sure that they understand the repercussions of their actions. Our sons--and our daughters--need to know that this is not ok. Getting a girl drunk, taking her picture, and raping her...is not ok. And the girl is not a whore because she gets raped.
It just...boggles my mind. My heart breaks for this poor girl. Not only was she violated, but all of her peers hate her.
Roland will be better than this. And if he sees something like this happening, he'll stand up for the victim. Because that is the way that we will raise our son.
I weep for a world where it's ok to blame the victim, and it's acceptable for news briefs to focus on the tragedy that the RAPISTS have lost out on their future. That is not ok. CNN, this is not ok. What the hell kind of message are you sending here?
http://www.upworthy.com/cnn-pays-touching-tribute-to-the-rapists-who-attacked-a-16-year-old-girl
Where are the videos about the girl? Where is the CNN tribute about how her life has been irrevocably changed due to the drunken stupidity of her classmates? Where is her story, and where are the people who support her and love her and tell her that it's never going to be ok...but that life will eventually go on.
I'm furious about this. I have righteous mommy rage over this.
Watching this video...well, the first boy didn't really seem terribly apologetic. He apologized for taking the pictures and for them sitting around...he didn't really apologize for RAPING THE GIRL. The second boy, yeah, his apology seemed a lot more heartfelt. And I'm going to believe that, rather than assuming that he's just a good actor. Yes, these boys are young, and their lives are going to be changed forever. They are always going to carry this stigma with them. Will it ruin their lives? Perhaps. If they let it.
Do they deserve it? All of this and more?
You bet your fucking ass they do.
Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter that they were all drunk and stupid...they should have stopped. Someone should have stopped them. I read through many of the text messages and twitter posts that were sent the night of the rape and they're just...horrible. There were some half-hearted attempts to stop this poor girls rape...but why didn't anyone call the cops? Why didn't anyone go find their friends and force them to stop this? Why did they let it go on?
Why didn't their parents teach them better than that?
I can't even imagine the heartache that the parents are feeling. The parents of the victim as they watch their daughter go through something no one should have to endure, and the parents of the assailants, as they watch their children's lives fall apart, and wonder where they went wrong. As a mother, my heart breaks for all of the people involved. Yes, even the assailants.
Why don't more parents teach their sons that this is NOT OK. Touching a girl, touching anyone, without their permission is NOT OK. I'll never preach 'no sex before marriage' to my kids. But I will absolutely make sure that they understand the repercussions of their actions. Our sons--and our daughters--need to know that this is not ok. Getting a girl drunk, taking her picture, and raping her...is not ok. And the girl is not a whore because she gets raped.
It just...boggles my mind. My heart breaks for this poor girl. Not only was she violated, but all of her peers hate her.
Roland will be better than this. And if he sees something like this happening, he'll stand up for the victim. Because that is the way that we will raise our son.
I weep for a world where it's ok to blame the victim, and it's acceptable for news briefs to focus on the tragedy that the RAPISTS have lost out on their future. That is not ok. CNN, this is not ok. What the hell kind of message are you sending here?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Chatty Boy
Every day, Roland is talking more and more. I just love watching him pick up new words and parrot us.
He loves to sit there and chat. It's a lot of babbling still, but I know that once he figures it all out, he is going to talk and talk and talk.
Mama
Dada
Cat
Dog
Piper
Buck
Bunny
Uncle
Cole
Please
Water
Bottle
Up
Get Out
Hi
Hello
Bye-Bye
He loves to sit there and chat. It's a lot of babbling still, but I know that once he figures it all out, he is going to talk and talk and talk.
Mama
Dada
Cat
Dog
Piper
Buck
Bunny
Uncle
Cole
Please
Water
Bottle
Up
Get Out
Hi
Hello
Bye-Bye
Cuddly Baby
Roland has this new adorable, and slightly obnoxious habit. If you are holding him and carrying him around, and you try to put him down, he'll pull up his legs and try to climb up you further so that putting him down requires placing him on his butt and getting all the way down on the ground. On one hand, it makes you feel pretty good that he wants to be held and cuddled by you...on the other hand, this massive, 30lb boy is hell on my back anyway!
I first noticed him doing it last week with Colin, and then on Saturday when Chas was heading back to school he refused to let go of his Uncle. He's done it to my dad and to me quite a few times since then. Silly baby.
He is such a cuddly little lover. Makes up for the moments when he is a complete pain in my ass!
I first noticed him doing it last week with Colin, and then on Saturday when Chas was heading back to school he refused to let go of his Uncle. He's done it to my dad and to me quite a few times since then. Silly baby.
He is such a cuddly little lover. Makes up for the moments when he is a complete pain in my ass!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Life of Pi
Last night, we watched Life of Pi. I have to say that I was very impressed with the movie. Visually, it was absolutely breathtaking. I can't even imagine seeing it in 3-D. Just...really stunning. I could watch it over and over again just to see the scenery.
It also left me thinking, things that I am still trying to really wrap my brain around.
I am a very spiritual person, but I'm not religious. I have a lot of issues with organized religion and the church, as a general rule. I've had a lot of bad experiences, and if it weren't for my husband, I would never go to church. I prefer to worship and pray in my own time and in my own way, without feeling pressure.
(I will warn you now, there are spoilers ahead. If you don't want them, you should skip this.)
Pi weaves this amazing story for his new young author friend. It is unbelievable and heartbreaking and inspiring. At the end of the movie, Pi tells another story. This story is just as heartbreaking and just as unbelievable, but in an entirely different way.
I've had a lot of arguments with people over the years about the Bible and the way that people interpret it. I think this movie really sums my feelings up perfectly.
You can read the story about a mild mannered man who inspires people with his words, who teaches and preaches and spreads love and tolerance. Then you can read a story about an energetic man who performs miracles, sowing love and belief wherever he goes.
They're the same story. The start the same and end the same. You can learn the same morals, find your heart filled with both. But one is more exciting than the other.
It's my personal belief that very few of the stories in the bible actually happened the way they are written. In oral traditions, stories are changed and embellished to captivate an audience and ensure they walk away with their lesson. You need flash and you need excitement.
But just like in this movie, it doesn't really matter which story is true.
It isn't the end of the story that matters. What really matters is the journey you endured to get there.
It also left me thinking, things that I am still trying to really wrap my brain around.
I am a very spiritual person, but I'm not religious. I have a lot of issues with organized religion and the church, as a general rule. I've had a lot of bad experiences, and if it weren't for my husband, I would never go to church. I prefer to worship and pray in my own time and in my own way, without feeling pressure.
(I will warn you now, there are spoilers ahead. If you don't want them, you should skip this.)
Pi weaves this amazing story for his new young author friend. It is unbelievable and heartbreaking and inspiring. At the end of the movie, Pi tells another story. This story is just as heartbreaking and just as unbelievable, but in an entirely different way.
I've had a lot of arguments with people over the years about the Bible and the way that people interpret it. I think this movie really sums my feelings up perfectly.
You can read the story about a mild mannered man who inspires people with his words, who teaches and preaches and spreads love and tolerance. Then you can read a story about an energetic man who performs miracles, sowing love and belief wherever he goes.
They're the same story. The start the same and end the same. You can learn the same morals, find your heart filled with both. But one is more exciting than the other.
It's my personal belief that very few of the stories in the bible actually happened the way they are written. In oral traditions, stories are changed and embellished to captivate an audience and ensure they walk away with their lesson. You need flash and you need excitement.
But just like in this movie, it doesn't really matter which story is true.
It isn't the end of the story that matters. What really matters is the journey you endured to get there.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Shoes
This kid of mine...
Roland loves shoes. He loves to play with his shoes, or Grandpa's shoes or Grandma's shoes or really any shoes that he can get his grubby little hands on (note to self--those hands need their nails clipped.) Ever since he was little he has loved shoes. He used to just chew on them. Now, he'll pick them up and drag them around by the laces, untie and try to retie them, or put them on.
Unfortunately, I just missed the perfect photo op! He had one shoe on backwards (toes towards the heel) and another shoe on his hand, wandering around looking totally thrilled with himself.
Nailed it!
For months, he refused to keep his shoes on his own feet. Now, when he sees his shoes, he brings them up to me and whines until I put them on him. He is so damn goofy.
Roland loves shoes. He loves to play with his shoes, or Grandpa's shoes or Grandma's shoes or really any shoes that he can get his grubby little hands on (note to self--those hands need their nails clipped.) Ever since he was little he has loved shoes. He used to just chew on them. Now, he'll pick them up and drag them around by the laces, untie and try to retie them, or put them on.
Unfortunately, I just missed the perfect photo op! He had one shoe on backwards (toes towards the heel) and another shoe on his hand, wandering around looking totally thrilled with himself.
Nailed it!
For months, he refused to keep his shoes on his own feet. Now, when he sees his shoes, he brings them up to me and whines until I put them on him. He is so damn goofy.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Chaos
There are times that I sit and look at my son, and I almost can't believe that he's mine. I mean, obviously, I know he's my kid--labor was easy, but it wasn't THAT easy--but my brain still has a hard time accepting the fact that I'm a mom. Those moments usually come when he's being amazing. When he's talking, or laughing, or playing in a new and exciting way.
Then he hauls off and pinches the crap out of my arm, or bites me, or crawls up into my lap and starts crying for no reason and I realize. Oh yeah. He's totally my kid...
I'm blessed, because all things considered, Roland is an easy kid. He's happy and cheerful, and he's a total snuggly lover. He is stubborn as hell, though, which is definitely going to make life interesting when he's a teenager. He loves the animals and he loves to wander around the living room and talk. And he refuses to listen when you tell him to not climb onto the furniture where I always envision plummeting to his untimely death. He doesn't like sitting in dead grass but boy does he love playing on my computer. The way he grows and changes is totally thrilling, and sometimes, completely frustrating.
In short: my little boy is absolutely perfect.
It isn't easy. It's never easy in our house. There is crying and there are fits and there are stubborn boy moments. There is playing in things he shouldn't play in and stealing the remote control and giggling with glee as he makes his great escape. It isn't easy, but it's beautiful, and it's always fun. Even when he's whiny and clingy and frustrating, it's still fun. For all of the things in my life that frustrate me in my life, there is one thing that I wouldn't change for the world.
It's not an easy life, but it's our life, and it's perfect. Despite the chaos.
Then he hauls off and pinches the crap out of my arm, or bites me, or crawls up into my lap and starts crying for no reason and I realize. Oh yeah. He's totally my kid...
I'm blessed, because all things considered, Roland is an easy kid. He's happy and cheerful, and he's a total snuggly lover. He is stubborn as hell, though, which is definitely going to make life interesting when he's a teenager. He loves the animals and he loves to wander around the living room and talk. And he refuses to listen when you tell him to not climb onto the furniture where I always envision plummeting to his untimely death. He doesn't like sitting in dead grass but boy does he love playing on my computer. The way he grows and changes is totally thrilling, and sometimes, completely frustrating.
In short: my little boy is absolutely perfect.
It isn't easy. It's never easy in our house. There is crying and there are fits and there are stubborn boy moments. There is playing in things he shouldn't play in and stealing the remote control and giggling with glee as he makes his great escape. It isn't easy, but it's beautiful, and it's always fun. Even when he's whiny and clingy and frustrating, it's still fun. For all of the things in my life that frustrate me in my life, there is one thing that I wouldn't change for the world.
It's not an easy life, but it's our life, and it's perfect. Despite the chaos.
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