Back to Work

Recently, I started mulling over the idea of going back to work full-time.  You see...we're going to be moving to Missoula in the near future.  In order to make the move (the way I want to make it, that is) we need to have a good chunk of money saved up.  We need to buy furniture and stuff and actually build a household.  We haven't really had much of our own stuff in 2 1/2 years.  We were living with roommates in Missoula, and then with my parents.  So...we have a lot of stuff to buy.  And, you know, things to decorate.

Oh god...I can decorate...the way I WANT to decorate!

I may just pass out from the excitement here.

Anyway.  The decision to go back to work full time is really a painful one.  Yes, I know many mothers do it. I know MANY of my friends do it.  I respect you all like crazy.  And while I really do miss working full time (and leaving the house every day...and having adult conversations...and clothes that aren't just yoga pants and tank tops) it still makes my stomach hurt to think about leaving Roland.  For one, he hasn't spent much time around other littles, and he doesn't play very well.  For another, he's terrible about napping, and I know that whoever takes him is going to hate me just a little.  And...well...I'll miss him.  I'll miss his antics and his sweet little kisses and cuddles.

I won't miss the temper tantrums, though.  Or the pinching.  Or the little nibbles.  Or the constant need to climb on everything and get into ALL the things.

But dammit if I won't miss him.

I'm worried about missing out on things.  Even the little, insignificant things like hugs and kisses and the happy grins when I chase him around the room, and the way he loves on the dog.

On the other hand, he needs the socialization.  And sometimes I think I need the break.  And despite the fact that we'll have to pay for daycare, the extra money from me working (I'm only taking a job that pays fairly well) will still be a huge benefit when it comes time to move.  Colin is picking up a second job until the end of the school year, and then will be working there this summer.  But the extra money will give us some padding, while still letting us do fun stuff this summer.

Rationally, all the signs point to me working full-time being the right choice in this situation.  Not just for the money, but because he has to get some time in with other kiddos, and we have to work through separation anxiety at some point.

I'm still going to miss my baby.  And I'm dreading the first full day that I have to leave him.