Heavy, painful thoughts

Several years ago, a very dear friend of mine got pregnant. Much like mine - it was totally unexpected. However, unlike mine, she was incredibly ill, thanks to gallbladder freaking out.  They gave her all kinds of drugs, not knowing she was pregnant, and she wasn't aware of her "delicate condition" until she was well on her way to mommy-hood.

For some reason, I took it upon myself to freak out.  I started to worry about her and the baby and all the little things that could go wrong, especially given the copious amount of drinking we did just weeks before she knew she was pregnant, and the drugs they gave her for her bum gallbladder.  I spent hours and hours researching and combing the internet looking for various birth defects and trying to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

I scared the holy living shit out of myself.

While she was in labor, I spent hours fretting and worrying and praying that everything would be ok.  That the baby would have the correct number of limbs and eyes and noses.  And throughout the entire time, my mantra was, 'I never want to do this.  I never want to have a baby.'  But she was born and she was absolutely perfect.  And is now WAY too smart for her own good.

Anyway.  That little seed of fear and anxiety has never really gone away.  I have always wanted to have kids, but for several years now, I've been terrified of the prospect.  What if I had a miscarriage?  What if something happened when I was further along in the pregnancy?  What if we had the nursery all decorated and ready to go, and the baby died during birth?  What if the baby was incredibly sick, or had some horrible disease, or any other number of things that I just knew could go wrong.  I've had friends go through tragedies like that...and I don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.

Until SprogFace is safely born and in my arms, I'm going to worry.  Throughout this whole thing, there is going to be a little tidbit of anxiety, gnawing away at my insides.  I'm doing everything right...but I know that sometimes, that isn't enough.  I guess that is the worst part of it.  That no matter how perfect I am...no matter how many vegetables I eat (not nearly enough) or how perfect I am at taking my vitamins (damn perfect so far) that something could still happen.

Is there something wrong with me for trying to prepare for that?  Not that I want it to - it's amazing how quickly the lil parasite has grown on me - but I know, realistically, that things sometimes happen.  Horrible things sometimes happen to good people, for no discernible reason.

Every time my stomach starts to ache a little because my pants are too tight.  Or I feel overly gassy, or my head hurts, or I have a bit of vertigo - I have a moment of freaking out.  'Is this it?  Is something happening?  Is my baby dieing?  What do I do?  How do I handle it?'

I know that worrying and stressing about it doesn't do anyone any good.  Unfortunately, I can't help it.

My husband asked me the other day what we would do if the Doctor told us something was wrong.  I told him it would depend on what that 'something' was.  But if there was any chance that our baby would be able to live a happy, full life...that's all that matters.  We'd love and cherish the SprogFace, no matter what happened.

So that's whats been on my mind.  Oh, and the impending end of the first trimester.  WOOHOO!  I'm 11 weeks as of yesterday...so we're getting close.  The puking goes away then, right?