I don't care for organized religion, as a general rule. Church is not easy for me for many reasons. I often feel out of place in the congregation and uncomfortable. Most of the time, I feel like people who are socializing with me are doing it out of a sense of obligation and out of no real desire to welcome me.
Many times, I feel like I am being judged. And that's before I tell them anything about myself.
I am usually afraid to be myself in church. I don't want to talk about my hobbies--gaming and SCA--because I don't want to be judged. I feel uncomfortable because I have body piercings (I was at Sunday School once, and a lady was going on and on and on about how body modifications are evil.) I don't feel like I can be me at church. When I talk about my thoughts on gay marriage and abortion and all of the other social issues, I worry that I'm going to be judged. Or worse, told to not come back to church.
If it were just me, I wouldn't give a crap. I would be myself and let my freak flag fly and never worry about it. But with the situation Colin is in, I can't really do that. I have to be perfect, because I'm the future Pastor's Wife. It's a very tense thing for me.
I don't find any joy in church. Sometimes, I find beauty in the music or in the message. I don't find the sense of community that many find. I'm sure a lot of that is because I feel obligated to go.
Anyway. I'm not a fan of organized religion. This is well established.
Despite all of that, I am a very spiritual person.
So this friend of mine is an atheist. Which, of course, I am perfectly fine with. It's hard for me to describe my faith and my personal religion, though.
Why do I believe?
Most things in the world can be explained by science. There are hard facts to back it up. I readily admit all of this.
I know that there is something more. I know it when I cuddle my little baby. I know it when I see the amazing night sky that you get in the middle of nowhere. I feel it when I am surrounded by friends and loved ones, and I know that I am safe and loved.
I know that you can't prove it. There isn't anything physical that you can grab and touch and poke at. But that doesn't mean that it isn't there, and it doesn't mean that it isn't real.
Not everyone has that same feeling. And that's ok.
I don't believe that God is some omnipotent being that sits up there and pokes at us like we're puppets. We're not his personal playthings. He doesn't screw up our lives for fun. I don't believe that God is very hands on at all.
People have said before, 'If God is real, why do horrible things happen? Why does he allow us to suffer?' We were given free will. We have the ability and the right to choose our lives and our own destinies. Sometimes those choices have horrible consequences.
Sometimes people do horrible things. Sometimes they even do them in the name of religion and God.
I don't think God would appreciate that very much.
So why do I believe? Why do I have my faith? Because for me it just feels right. I don't care for church, but I pray and I worship in my own way. I commune with God privately every day, in the little things that happen in my life.
I feel like I would be lonely without that presence of the divine in my life. Call it God or Goddess or Flying Spaghetti Monster, that is your personal choice. But for me, personally, having a greater power--even if it is an ambivalent power that rarely touches our lives--gives me a sense of comfort.
I have faith because it is warm, because it is comfortable and because it makes me happy. There are many things in the Bible and in organized religion that I do not agree with and will never agree with. But I have my faith and I hold on to my faith. My faith has in part made me who I am today.
I don't know if this actually offers any explanation or if it's just more confusing.
"I know more than a few atheists and agnostics who have these same feelings. I'm one of them. These feelings have natural explanations, and that doesn't make them any less wonderful. God or some other "higher power" isn't necessary or needed."
ReplyDeleteOh, I know that these feelings all have explanations, and I wasn't trying to imply that the only people who feel them are people who have some belief in a higher power. Only that for me, these feelings cement the belief in something more. And I'm not even necessarily talking God, just that there is something that helps create that spark of life in all of us. There is a lot that science can explain--like why my son has blonde hair and blue eyes. There are other things that it can't--like the fact that he's already showing himself to be some kind of building prodigy as far as blocks go.
"Then what's the point of worshiping God? I'm not trying to be glib, I'm trying to understand. A "hands-off" God is useless. It isn't different from no God at all."
Because it gives us a connection to the divine. It makes us feel like we're not alone in the world.
I understand atheism. I understand why people make the choice to not believe, just as I make the choice TO believe. I'm not going to try to change anyones mind on the matter--I'm really the last person in the world who should be doing that--I'm just getting my thoughts and feels out on paper.