Moments in Time

Several years ago, a dear friend of mine got pregnant. She didn't know it until she was several months along. For some reason, after she got pregnant, I started to have this weird obsession. I would do all this research online about different horrible things that could happen during pregnancy. What the statistics were.


At any given point, I knew what the probability of the baby surviving if it was born early was.


I don't know why I did it. In my mind, I was worried that something horrible would happen, and I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to know how to support my friends if the worst happened.


It didn't, of course. She had this absolutely gorgeous this girl who has turned into an amazing child. I was in the delivery room when she was born, and it was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever witnessed. Throughout her entire labor I had this, 'Holy hell, I never want to have kids...' thing going on. As soon as she was born, it went to, '...Wow. I want a baby. Like, right now. Heeeey, that doctor is cute...'


When I got pregnant, I was terrified. All I could think about was all of the horrible things that could possibly maybe happen. Of course there was the chance that nothing would go wrong...but what if it did? I didn't know if I was strong enough to survive a tragedy like that.


Of course, there were no difficulties. Roland is painfully healthy. He's smart and beautiful and amazing.


And you know what? I still worry. Every day, I swallow back a tiny bit of fear that something bad will happen to him. Life happens, and sometimes, no matter how hard we try--no matter how many vegetables I make him eat, or how many prayers we say at bed time--the unbearable hits us in the face.


Honestly, it makes me cry just sitting here and thinking about it.


I can't watch movies any more that center around dead children or dead babies or children or babies who have been horribly injured. It makes me hurt too much for the fictional parents and families who have to go through that.


I read this article today on cnn- http://www.cnn.com/2013/03/27/living/parenting-emily-rapp/index.html?hpt=hp_c3 Part of me wants to read her book. Another part of me knows that getting through it will be too hard for me. The author at one point in the interview says:


"I hear this a lot from parents, and it's like how is this in any way helpful? "Looking at your life makes me feel blessed." Which is another way of saying "I'm glad I'm not you.""


Is it wrong? To feel sympathy and pain for another person while at the same time, being grateful that you aren't in their shoes? Isn't that normal and human? I can see how that comment might hurt...and I can see how it would make a person angry. But most of us don't know what to say. We're busy silently counting our blessings while desperately trying to not show on our faces that we are relieved our children are safe.


I don't really know what to say to someone in this situation. All I can say is 'I am so sorry' and 'I love you. If I can do anything, please tell me.'


All I know is every time I read a story about something horrible happening, I hug my son and I give him a kiss. I cling to him and try to get him to stay still for a few minutes so I can show him how much I love him. Life is short, moments are fleeting. Children grow up so fast, and before you know it they're running and then in school and then they're off to college.


Hold tight to the moments you have. No matter how healthy your child is. Even if you have an abundance of moments, and you aren't one of the unlucky few to be cut short...savor everything you have.